Doctors, It’s Time to Understand Fertility Better

April 5, 2024April 5, 2024 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

The fact that I know more than many OB/GYNs about the science of fertility is a problem.

By now many have seen the Washington Post article, which chastises the ignorant women of the world for listening to the dangerous spoutings-off of TikTok folk who lambast the dangers of hormonal contraception and urge women to use the…gasp rhythm method, which is proven to fail and will result in untold unintended pregnancies and therefore also more abortions.

I wish I could have read that article and assumed the best. I wish I could have assumed that they had cherry picked a doctor who would feed them quotes perfect for clickbait and that this was an isolated ridiculous article in a sea of medical professionals who obviously do better.

But, as a woman, I’ve lived through too much of my own experience to deny the fact that this OB/GYN represents a lot of medical professionals out there who believe it is either contraception (for smart people who care about being responsible contributors to society) or the rhythm method (for the ignorant uneducated rest.)

Three Scenarios

One: I was seventeen years old and mentioned that my menstrual cramps were fairly painful each month. I was not sexually active, and yet I was put on a daily birth control pill to manage my menstrual symptoms. Did I understand what that pill was doing to my natural hormonal cycle each month? No. Did I gain weight and experience other side effects while I was on it? Yes

Then, in college, I was still not sexually active and was prescribed the Depo-Provera shot to address similar period symptoms. I was told this would stop my periods altogether! Miracle of miracles I could be free! What resulted was months and months of constant spotting, and one scenario where I experienced significant bleeding out of the blue and at a very inopportune time. I also felt extremely weird not having my cycle regularly. It was almost as if something inside me knew that my body wasn’t working as it should…

I couldn’t even count the number of women I know who share a similar story. At best, putting women who are having issues with their menstrual cycle on a pill is putting a band-aid on a larger issue.

In most other health situations that I can think of, doctors observe a patient’s symptoms, then systematically work toward figuring out the root cause so they can treat the root cause and resolve the issue for their patient. I have pondered the questions for years of why fertility symptoms are treated by default so often with the band-aid method. Hormonal contraception does not actually treat the root cause of many cycle irregularities, and doctors aren’t actually treating women when they don’t know enough about fertility to research root causes and work to solve them. Women deserve better.

Two: I was four children in by this point, and had been seeing the same midwife team for a while for my general care between pregnancies. I had talked to them about the fact that I practice fertility awareness for my family planning. I know I had used those exact words because I intentionally opted out of the more religiously affiliated “Natural Family Planning” or NFP phraseology when answering their questions.

Months later, I showed up to a regular check-up appointment and the nurse doing my intake goes: “Are you still using the rhythm method?”

I wish I could have gone back and been more assertive about it, but I think I was so surprised at the moment and caught off guard that I awkwardly corrected her. But the fact is that my chart was inaccurate.

That moment also speaks to one of the main issues with the Washington Post article: that many people who literally specialize in women and childbirth and fertility don’t understand that the rhythm method is not the only option besides contraception. They live in a dichotomous world that doesn’t exist.

I’m assuming that many failures of the medical institution are at play here. The accountability probably lies partly with the individual practitioners who don’t do their research. Some of it might lie with medical colleges who likely don’t offer enough class time to the ins and outs of a woman’s cycle.

But the fact that I know more than a lot of these doctors is a big ole mix of frustrating and exhausting too. We’ve been practicing fertility awareness since about 2016 and we’ve had exactly two children in that time, both of whom we were open to having. The fact that I have not gotten accidentally pregnant in the four years since having our youngest is not a surprise to me, nor is it a stroke of good luck. I know each month when my body is getting ready to ovulate and increasing in estrogen. I know when ovulation is imminent and LH is surging. And I know when ovulation has passed because my progesterone rises.

The real, actual world that we exist in involves the options of contraception, the rhythm method, and any number of fertility awareness approaches that leverage the science of fertility. These approaches can not only assist families in avoiding pregnancy (at rates that match contraception) but also in achieving it if that is their goal (which can sometimes help women avoid needing more intensive fertility interventions.)

Three: My daughters. I am raising three girls in this world, and that has me thinking a lot about what we do to help young women understand what their bodies are doing.

As a girl myself, I was taught that fertility is a mysterious thing, that women menstruate about every 28 days and ovulate around day 14. I was taught that that is about all you can know about it. Girls today, in many cases, are still being taught these same things though they are all inaccurate.

I know that I will be looking for doctors for my girls who have put in the work to understand that a woman’s fertility is a good and healthy thing and who will help them understand and appreciate how their bodies function.

How helpful would it have been to learn that you can know when your period is going to start because your basal body temperature drops? I use the Oura ring and I can simply look at my BBT graph on the app to know what’s about to happen. It would have alleviated so much anxiety of getting caught off guard with a period starting when I forgot to bring the necessary supplies to school that day. Heck, it would have been helpful to simply have been told that cervical fluid is a normal, healthy thing to have and that there is a hormonal reason why the amount of fluid changes throughout the month.

We can do better in educating young women to read the language of their bodies, and to start off from the foundation that their fertility is healthy and good.

The Worst of All

But most of all, the Washington Post article is concerning because it frames women’s fertility as a problem to be solved. A burden to bear. A mystery that women are foolish to even try to solve without the help of a pharmaceutical product.

And I can’t help but think that is so incredibly backwards and harmful to women. Part of being a woman is being built with the potential to create new human life inside us. I straight up tell my daughters that our ability to do that is a superpower. That we can co-create with God to add more people made in His image to this earth. It’s awesome. It’s a gift. It is something to be understood, not something to be treated.

Women who seek to understand their fertility are not using the rhythm method. We are not uneducated or ignorant. In many cases, we know more than our doctors about how the science of fertility works and we choose to work with our bodies, not against them to navigate planning our families. We are healthier for it.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again- fertility is among the only, if not the only bodily system that we artificially suppress even when (and sometimes especially when) it is functioning exactly as it should. We live in a time when we understand more about fertility than ever before in human history. We know the hormones involved and the physical symptoms of those hormones, both of which we can track!

Image courtesy of: https://birthcontrol.com/options/fertility-awareness-method/

Since the flawed charting at my appointment, I have switched to a practitioner who can look at my monthly charts and make sense of them alongside me. Someone who won’t ever offer me IUDs or the pill or the depo shot. It sometimes takes effort or a bit of extra drive time to find medical professionals who understand fertility well or who respect the choice to work with our bodies in a more natural way, but it is so very worth the effort.

I am hoping and asking other medical professionals, especially those who work with women, to at the very least read up on this subject. There are so many resources that are easy to find. The patient knowing more than the doctor is troubling. I urge those in the medical field to do better. And please do not take the Washington Post article as sound medical advice. No, I would not recommend the rhythm method. But the real ignorance lies with the doctor who says that’s the only option besides contraception that women have.

This letter is free for you to read, but it took time and energy to produce. If you’re interested in supporting the work of This Catholic Family, I would be honored if you would consider upgrading your subscription. Or, you can always buy me a coffee here.

-Lorelei

A Helpful Phrase for Trying Times

March 20, 2024March 20, 2024 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Lorelei Savaryn ponders the power of the words “so that” in being open to the movement of God in the midst of human struggle.

This past year, I have walked through a number of struggles that at times were rife with uncertainty and confusion. It has been tempting at times to emotionally distance myself from God because, for me at least, it is easier to be happy with God when things are going well on the whole than it is when I’m being asked to navigate some kind of storm. Difficult times make it easy to call into question God’s goodness, or God’s involvement in my life, much more than the easy times do.

But the truth is, at any given moment, most of us must coexist with struggle. Sometimes those struggles are bigger; other times they take up a smaller place in our lives, but it’s a rare day when we haven’t faced some trial, no matter the scale.

Maybe a relationship has broken down, or maybe you are being asked to sit a while in the waiting place until you learn what’s coming next. Maybe you’re feeling lonely, or that you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way and aren’t sure how to get yourself back. Maybe you got stuck in traffic, or forgot to pack a lunch, or are simply waiting for the sun to break through an endless stretch of clouds.

No matter what it is, we’re all there at some point or another, or maybe even most of the time.

As I navigate the situations in my own life, I am finding it helpful to ponder the phrase so that as a way to help direct my suffering toward God and helps keep my heart open to Him.

The idea of so that is a leaning in to trust that God does care very much about our trials. It is a leaning into hope that we are going through a thing for a reason that is good for us and/or for those who we interact with. It is choosing to believe that there is a picture bigger than the piece we can see.

So that allows me to affirm that God has allowed anything that I am facing into my life. I also believe that God is not in the habit of asking us to walk through something without a purpose. So when I’m in any of those struggling places, it can help to look around and be open to the potential reasons that God might be asking me to navigate the struggle, even if I don’t know what they are, so that something good can come, even if that something good is not unknown to me for today, or even for a long time to come. Leaning into the idea of so that helps cultivate patience. It helps to cultivate an openness to look around and pay attention for signs that God is working.

Are we in a boring job so that we can be done with work at the end of the day and be mentally and emotionally present for our kids?

Are we stuck in traffic so that we can grow in some virtue that is vital to our holiness?

Are we feeling lonely so that we can learn to better depend on God?

We can ask those questions, but we don’t even need to arrive at any answers in order for so that to be helpful. I’m sure that God’s reasons for allowing us or asking us to walk through a difficult time are as varied as the number of souls on this earth, but no matter the reason and no matter if or when we learn what the reason is, we can trust that the reason is there. We can be assured that there is a so that that God has in mind. And that can help us not only make it through a challenge, but to allow that challenge to do the work it is meant to do.

-Lorelei

Finding A Quiet Place

February 22, 2024February 22, 2024 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Lorelei Savaryn reflects on the wisdom of finding quiet places, even when life is full.

This letter is free for you to read, but it took time and energy to produce. If you’re interested in supporting the work of This Catholic Family, I would be honored if you would prayerfully consider upgrading your subscription. Or, you can always buy me a coffee here.

Since beginning spiritual direction last year, I have been learning more about and practicing Lectio Divina, a meditative kind of prayer where I immerse myself in a section of scripture. As a convert, this kind of praying was new for me. In my life as an Evangelical most of my prayer was me talking to Jesus. Lectio Divina is a lot of listening, and it is also a lot of just, as my spiritual director calls it, “wasting time with God.”

Of late, it has caught my attention during these prayers how often in the Gospels Jesus goes to a quiet place to be alone, or at least tries to. He has a difficult time finding solitude because of how intensely the people are pulled to Him, but still, time and time again, He withdraws to a quiet place. How like motherhood, I think, as I read these stories. It seems that almost every time I try to find some quiet, a little person comes near and needs something from me, whether it be a cup of milk or a hug. We sacrifice a lot of solitude as mothers, for the absolute best of reasons, and we can relate very much to Jesus in that.

But I also think there is wisdom to be found in the fact that Jesus continues to make time to at least try to step away. Moving ourselves out from under the noise of the day to day, even for a little while, is beautiful, and it can be healing, especially when interwoven with prayer.

It is my goal during this Lent to try more intentionally to make space for quiet places. And to hopefully meet Jesus there sometimes. Our barriers to finding quiet might look different from person to person, from home to home, but below is a list of some ideas on how we can carve out more solitude in our busy days as mothers.

I find that I lose a lot of potentially quiet moments scrolling social media. It isn’t always filled with physical noise, but it does bring in a mental noise that grabs at my attention, turning it this way and that. Perhaps choosing to not scroll, or to make set times each day when we avoid it will allow us to more easily dip our toes into a quiet place.
I used to take short walks when my firstborn was a baby, and even those little stretches of time helped a lot in the middle of the fog of new motherhood. That baby is now twelve, and there are three others besides, and I find I’m still so quick to make an excuse to stay inside. Maybe it’s too cold, or too windy, or not sunny enough, but I also know that whenever I still step outside and take a short stroll, it does wonders. To hear the wind in the trees, and the birds chirping…there isn’t much else like it. Maybe it’s possible to prioritize stepping away from everything for a short while a few times a week to take a solo stroll.
I love listening to music. Listening to songs has always been therapeutic for me, and is one of my favorite forms of worship. I also find that more often than not, when I am in the minivan by myself, one of the first things I do is turn on the radio or hit play on a podcast. There’s an opportunity for quiet there as well. Maybe we get so used to our vehicle being a noisy place, that its strange when we aren’t accompanied by the noise of our kids. But I wonder what would happen if I let myself drive in the quiet for a little while … if I didn’t turn on the noise.

These are just a few suggestions that show up often in my life that I hope might be helpful. Perhaps others among us have different noise inputs in any given day, or maybe other moms have noise sources that they default to in a world where it can sometimes feel like the only response to being overstimulated is to find a way to zone out with a different source of stimulation.

Click to tweet:
Moving ourselves out from under the noise of the day to day, even for a little while, is beautiful, and it can be healing, especially when interwoven with prayer. #CatholicMom

But I also think that Lent is a great time to examine our lives when held up to the life of Christ. And we know that he prioritized solitude, moving away from the noise, on a regular basis. He did it when he was able to steal away, and he did it still even if the people still found him. Jesus’ pursuit of solitude teaches us that there is value to be found in seeking the quiet. There is value for us as mothers to find quiet spaces in our days and weeks. May the pursuit, and the times we enter into the quiet, draw us closer to Him.

-Lorelei

How Saint Zélie Helped Me Stop Comparing Myself to Other Moms

July 12, 2023July 11, 2023 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

This letter is free for you to read, but it wasn’t free for me to produce. If you’re interested in supporting the work of This Catholic Family, I would be honored if you would prayerfully consider upgrading your subscription. Or, you can always throw a little change in the tip jar here.

Today is the feast day of Saint Zélie Martin, and while I am no liturgical living professional, this is one of the feast days I always like to mark with a little something special.

A little bit of background on Saint Zélie. She and her husband Louis were both on a path toward religious life when they met each other and learned that God had asked them both to the vocation of marriage together. They had nine children, four of which who died while very young. Her surviving five children all went into religious life, the most well-known of which is St. Thérèse of Lisieux. She saw a lot of hardship. She and her husband are a great example of a holy marriage. She ran her own very successful lace business as well.

I learned about St. Zélie’s canonization and named our fourth baby Zelie in honor of her. Since then, St. Zelie has held a very special place in my heart, one that I lean in to and understand a bit more with each passing year of life, in particular as I grow in my understanding of my vocation as a mom.

The Temptation to Compare

Ever since becoming a mom eleven years ago, I have been fighting some sort of comparison battle inside my mind and my heart, all while trying to figure out my own identity as a mother. In the early years, the question of what should a Christian mom look like? loomed large. When I converted, I substituted the word Christian for Catholic and continued to ask.

Some of the churches we attended and people we hung out with had stronger messages for us than others. You need to stay at home, you need to homeschool, you need to coupon, you need to clean with vinegar, you need to bake your own bread, you need to not have a job, you need to have a side gig that contributes to your income, you need to remember all the liturgical things, you need to pray the rosary every day with your children, you need to keep a lovely home…these messages and more swarmed, faster and faster, louder and louder. Some of the messages contradicted other messages entirely.

Social media did not help.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Why We Recruit

Now, not all the moms I compared myself to were actively recruiting their lifestyle as the absolute only way to be a Catholic or Christian mom, they were often just sharing from their passion and joy, which is a lovely thing to behold. Some, however, were. Some of the messages were more implicit in the church or online community, but still there.

And I think I get why we as humans are sometimes tempted to take what works for us and prescribe it for others, especially in motherhood. Motherhood is so intimate, so vulnerable, and so personal. We don’t want to mess it up. It isn’t comfortable to look around us and feel like we’re the only ones doing what we’re doing. The moms I know, myself included, are often questioning our decisions on a pretty regular basis. Is it the right call to stay home? Is it the right call for me to work? The right call to homeschool/private school/public school? And the list goes on.

It can feel a lot less lonely to be part of a pack. Finding or recruiting people with likeminded philosophies says “You do what I do, and that affirms that I picked the right thing. Then I’m doing it the right way.”

A Different Path

My suggestion isn’t that we stop talking about or sharing the things we’ve found helpful, or the mothering style that brings us joy. My suggestion is that we avoid saying that the way God has asked us to live out this vocation is the way that God is asking all women to live out this vocation. And, for those of us on the receiving end, that we reframe how these messages impact us.

Turns out, St. Zélie didn’t stay home full time. She also had in-house help. She ran a business. Her kids began their education at home for a time. Learning about St. Zélie’s life helped me see that she didn’t live like any one cookie cutter Catholic mom box, and she became a Saint. Her life helped me feel free to live the unique Catholic motherhood I am called to each day.

For me, that has looked like staying home when a new baby is very young, but eventually returning to work. My jobs are usually in education, and allow me a similar schedule as the kids. The professional fulfillment makes me a better wife and mom at the end of the day. I am a creative person, and I need a creative outlet. Mostly, that outlet comes in finding time to write. I write short and long essays for the web, and I write fiction books for young readers. Sometimes I play with watercolor markers. Sometimes I read. I am also an introvert. That means I need to carve aside time to be alone. My family can tell if I’ve gone too long without a little stretch by myself, and it is okay that some alone time is important to me. When those things are in place, all the family stuff…the family dinners, the bedtime stories and prayer, the request for a push on the swing, all of that is better and richer and more vibrant because I am embracing and respecting who God made me to be as a person and therefore as a mom.

This realization, that we have never been meant to do it one specific way, completely changed my view. I was able to admire and respect the Catholic moms with particular approaches or particular strengths. Hooray for the liturgically awesome mom! The aesthetic home mom! The daily rosary mom! The homeschooling mom! And hooray for me and the mom I am too!

It was incredibly freeing to be able to separate the idea that I have to do what other moms do, and to celebrate the diversity of Catholic motherhood that exists. It was exciting to realize that doing Catholic motherhood in the way that matched the way God made me and my unique family was not going to look like a carbon copy of another family, another Catholic mom, but that all these things could be very, very good.

Some Questions For The Journey

As mothers, we can too often absorb the message of unhealthy self-denial. Yes, of course we are supposed to deny ourselves in terms of offering ourselves up for the good of another. But we also are meant to become fully who God made us to be, and the things God has put inside our hearts are intrinsically good. Intrinsically unique. And they are meant to shine.

Here are some questions to consider as we all continue on the journey toward embracing and growing into the person God made us to be.

When do you feel most alive as a person, woman, and mother? Under what circumstances do you see the world in full color? When does your heart feel so full it might just burst? When are you most grateful? What things do you long for, and what might those longings teach you about yourself? What might a life look like for you and your family that integrates your uniqueness? Whether your have felt pressure from yourself or from others, what steps can you take to let go of that now?

None of us are meant to be copies of another woman, another Catholic mom. We are all meant to be glorious and beautiful in our uniqueness. We are meant to celebrate each other, to lift each other up.

Like snowflakes, no two of us are the same.

St. Zélie, pray for us.

Amen

Want to Read More From This Catholic Family?

On Not Taking it Personally When our Kids Fail

February 26, 2023 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Historically, I have struggled when the young people in my care make poor choices. I have tended to take their decisions personally, and to see those moments as a failure on my part, thinking that their choices reflect badly on me.

As a parent, this has caused me to turn inward on myself, ruminating on how I am failing my kids and students, because, obviously, if I weren’t, they would be perfect little saints.

Even writing that sentence, I have to smile. Because removed from the heat of the moment, I can see how silly it is to think that. But in the moment itself, that is exactly the kind of thinking I have tended to engage in. If my children or students choose poorly, then, to me, that means I am somehow failing as a parent or teacher.

However, in doing this, I make my place in the grand scheme of things distorted, larger than life, out of proportion. As if me doing everything right (an impossible task) will somehow result in the people in my care doing everything right as well.

When I set myself back down in my proper place amongst the bigger picture, and zoom out even a little bit, I can gain a better perspective.

For example, it isn’t God’s fault that we choose to sin. It isn’t a bad reflection on God, and it doesn’t mean that God is anything less than a good, good Father to us.

In fact, our ability to choose is a reflection of His goodness to us.

Those opportunities to choose—even if we choose wrongly, are chances to learn and carve away those parts of ourselves that are not yet fully conformed to love. It allows us to choose love in the first place. We need to see the difference between where we are now and where we have the potential to be so we know how to orient ourselves moving forward. Our failures are a beautiful opportunity to learn and to move closer to Him.

The same applies to me and my relationships with my children and students. As a person entrusted with young people both in my home and in my classroom, I am learning to view these opportunities as a gift. When they make poor choices, I can get a good look at areas where my children and students have an opportunity to grow in character and holiness. And I have the honor of helping to guide them on that path.

Click to tweet:
Our failures are a beautiful opportunity to learn and to move closer to Him. #catholicmom

Those moments have, in some ways, very little to do with me at all, other than the fact that they are opportunities for me to step up in my role as one who guides young people, and to help them turn back to love. To grow their virtue muscles. To help them see the difference between who they are today and who they can be, and to spur them forward. To encourage them. To help light the way.

When I view things like that, I put myself in my proper place. I put their choices in their proper place. And I can even rejoice at this thing called Free Will, and the opportunity it offers us to be sanctified throughout our lives so, when the time comes, we will be ready to meet God, Love itself, with arms wide open.

And so, in the end, it isn’t a poor reflection on me when the youth in my care make the wrong choice. In fact, it is an honor to be present, and to be ever at the ready to help.

-Lorelei

Note: This article originally appeared on Catholic Mom

Carving Time For Rest

February 25, 2023 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

As an introvert mom to four and Catholic school teacher, I know two things to be true. I love working with youth and being a mom. I also know that I am often overstimulated, and that in order to do my job and my parenting well, I need to set aside regular time to rest.

Easier said than done in the day-to-day hustle and bustle, but when I don’t rest, many of my less-than-amazing traits shine through. The impatience, the feeling overwhelmed, the irritability. The need has always been there, but rest has looked different at different phases of life for me. There hasn’t been a magic rest recipe that has worked well all the time. There have been times when I have tried to rigidly schedule rest, but I found that certain days I need certain things more than others, and sometimes the scheduled “rest” didn’t match what I needed at all, and therefore it felt more like a burden than anything else.

So I let go of the rigidity, and recently, here is what I’ve done that I’ve found helpful. And I hope some of you may find it helpful, too.

I started by making a list of things that recharge me. Things that, for me, constitute as rest. Some items on the list were a hot bath, reading a book, enjoying a nice glass of wine with my husband, writing or creating something, taking a walk, prayer, journaling, just sitting in a quiet space, taking a nap, doing a workout, and so on.

And then, rather than sticking to some regimented schedule of predetermined rest activities, I allow myself the freedom to choose what would best help me in that given moment. I do this by taking care to be mindful throughout the week of how I’m feeling. Am I overstimulated? Maybe I need to let my husband take care of making dinner so I can go enjoy a quiet bath when he gets home from work. Am I low energy? Some days, I might cure feeling tired with an energetic workout. Others, I may shut my eyes for a little while for a nap.

I’ve learned that right now a lot of my rest involves accepting the introvert inside me and stepping away from people for a little while, whatever that looks like. When I do that, I’m much better for everyone when I return.

One thing that remains relatively constant is setting aside regular time to pray. This often happens early in the morning, before the rest of the house has stirred. It’s not natural for me to get up at 5:00 AM, or even 5:30, but it is the best chance I have at quiet before the day begins for everyone else in my home. I do this four or five times per week, and it acts as an anchor to my days.

Click to tweet:
It can be very easy for us moms to push aside our need for rest, to put the needs of others above our own. #CatholicMom

It can be very easy for us moms to push aside our need for rest, to put the needs of others above our own. I often smile when I think that even God rested, and I feel the value of rest in my soul when I see how much better I am for those I love and serve when I prioritize resting too.

Rest will not look the same for every person, and it probably won’t look the same every day, but if we can take time to recognize the things that recharge us, and allow ourselves to take the time when needed, then I trust that we are better equipped to live our calling in whatever phase of life God has us in today.

(Note: This article originally appeared on Catholic Mom)

When The Idea of Homemaking Makes You Cringe A Little Bit

October 14, 2022 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

As someone who has spent most of my life in the Evangelical world, and who has spent the last few years in the Catholic world, ‘homemaking’ is something I’ve heard often in both places. There are books written about homemaking and podcasts about it. People talk about it—and we seem to all know what the idea of homemaking means.

When I think of the word homemaking, it conjures up images of throw pillows, and softly slung blankets across the arms of chairs. Fresh baked muffins and clean floors. Cute little artsy things on the walls and mantel that were probably purchased from Target or Hobby Lobby. A friend and I were talking recently about how even those more ‘surface’ level connotations are kind of difficult to swallow sometimes, especially if there are stains all over your pillows and couches from grubby little fingers, or if you don’t enjoy hanging cutesy things on the walls.

But there are some deeper connotations, too, and I wonder if other women feel the same way.

It’s not that I don’t want to make my house a home, it’s that I don’t want to feel like ‘home’ has to look a certain way for me to fit my identity as a Catholic Christian woman.

We stopped homeschooling in January, and that has been the best thing for our family. I haven’t always been a stay-at-home mom. I’m currently the owner of a mobile children’s bookshop and an author of middle-grade novels, but I’ve also been a teacher. Our home has looked different in all of those seasons, but I don’t think that at any point it has been any more or less a home.

Sometimes my husband does the laundry. Never do either of us iron any of our clothes unless we’re going to a wedding. I can’t sew anything more than a button. I am horrible with yeast. Do not ask me to make anything that requires ‘rising’ because it will not work. But these are all things that I’ve felt, at one time or another, has been presented as the proper way to make a home by women in faith communities, both Evangelical and Catholic.

I think it may be helpful for us to reframe our idea of what homemaking means. To broaden it, and give it room to breathe. To create space for the diversity of women of faith, our unique gifts and strengths, and the different phases of our lives.

What about leaving the floor for later and going outside to play with your kids? That’s homemaking too. Really, really good homemaking. What about letting the grubby little fingerprints on the fridge go so you can sit down with a coffee and read a book? That’s homemaking, because our peace of mind impacts everyone else. What about letting go of the expectation that we need to entertain our kids all the time to the point that we burn out, and accept that creating a stable home with a predictable routine is also making a home?

Click to tweet:
A pretty house can be an indicator of a true home, but it also can cover up struggle. #catholicmom

While I personally love a good throw pillow, having seasonal throw pillows does not make a home. I am a big fan of creative ways to display pumpkins in the fall, but having decorative pumpkins is not in any way the essence of homemaking either. I’ve seen too many situations that look amazing on the surface, but when you peel back a few layers, you see a lot of brokenness and hurt. A pretty house can be an indicator of a true home, but it also can cover up struggle. And when we equate these superficial, first world Christian Woman expectations with being a Good Catholic Mother, then I think that leaves room for us to hide the struggles, or puts pressure on us to do things that may not be our strengths.

In the end, true homemaking is about a safe, and joy-filled, and peaceful home where hearts are safe to grow into what God made them to be.

That’s it, that is homemaking. That is making a home.

I’d love to hear what you think about homemaking—if it’s a concept you’ve embraced (which is great, if that’s you!), if it’s a word that you also struggle with, or if you just have never carried the emotional burdens like I have (haha). I’d love to know your thoughts.

Babies and Dreams

June 16, 2022 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

As someone who is a wife, mom of four, and who also writes books for children, I get asked a lot how I “do it all.”

And on the surface, I do a lot of different things, wear a lot of different hats. However, I don’t do it all, and I don’t do everything all the time. There are ebbs and flows to this season of life. Times where I must lean into one thing and lean away from the other. As I’m writing this, my kids are running around the house with a frantic energy that will likely lead to tears from someone any moment. But I do think that it’s important for us to talk about how much is possible as a mother, especially if you love being a mom and also have big dreams of some kind—whether they be creative, or business related, or both.

There’s this idea in our culture that babies and dreams are two separate entities entirely. You can be a mom, or you can pursue your passions. There’s the notion that we must set our dreams aside during the years that we are raising little people. While there is a need to be flexible, and to make space for flexibility that raising kids requires, I’ve found it more than possible to have a family and pursue my dreams.

And I think you can too.

My experience has also been one of exuberant support. My husband helps me troubleshoot and make space for the more intense periods of work that come with deadlines and revisions. We’ve adjusted work schedules, negotiating babysitting and help cleaning the house. There were times, before I ever knew I’d make any money selling my books, where we just found ways to fit writing time in, even if it meant a quick trip to a coffee shop in the evening. I’ve written from the driver’s seat of my minivan, and I’ve written while pizza cooked in the oven. My work right now is not often luxurious, and my time is not plentiful. But it is life-giving for my soul to be able to lean into this passion at this stage of life.

I’ve learned that when I’m not able to pursue writing in any way, when weeks go by without any filled pages, that my cup is empty, and I’m not as good for my family as I am when my creative well is full. When I write, I lose track of time, lost in magical worlds and the journeys my characters undertake. When I write, I feel like I’m doing one of the things I was made to do. Kind of like how I feel when reading my kids a bedtime story, or watching them learn about and lean into the things they love. They are both a part of who I was made to be, and I feel closer to God in both my roles as a mother and an author.

If anything, pursuing my dream while I have kids at home has pushed me to do my absolute best. I know my children are watching, and I want to make them proud.

Click to tweet:
Your work has value, just as your motherhood has value. The messages about some sort of inherent contradiction between babies and dreams are a lie.

Over the past few years, I’ve often drawn inspiration from St. Zélie, mother to St. Thérèse of Lisieux. She and her husband Louis were canonized together, and in that they represent for me an example of a strong, supportive marriage. Zélie raised holy children, and in that is an example to me of motherhood. She also owned her own lace business, and in that she is an example to me of a woman contributing to her family and doing the thing that she loved.

For anyone who has big dreams but has been too nervous to pursue them, or for anyone who is going after their dream with kids at home, please know you are not alone. It took me ten years before I got brave enough to even try, to even acknowledge that this is part of what I was created to contribute to this world. Your work has value, just as your motherhood has value. The messages about some sort of inherent contradiction between babies and dreams are a lie.

And while it isn’t always easy, at least for me, it’s certainly been worth it.

-Lorelei

Measuring Success in a Busy, Messy Family

September 20, 2021 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 3 Comments

While spending time with my husband and brother recently, I said: “I don’t know if either of you know this, but I can sometimes be a bit rigid.” They laughed, because it’s true. I laughed, because it’s true. It was a good, lighthearted moment.

But now, a few days later, when reflecting on that rare time spent together (my brother lives several states away and was with us for a brief visit), I realize that even my ability to say that, and then to laugh about it, is actually a marker of a significant amount of growth over the past couple of years.

Desiring Control

Some of the pieces of my past have led me to tend toward wanting to control as many variables as possible in my life. Things not going according to plan used to have the ability to send me into a spiral of anxiety. I’ve been doing a lot of work to dig deep into these things in order to not pass them along to my children.

I used to measure success by how many things I accomplished on my to-do list, and whether the kids and I got everything done by sticking to my self-imposed schedule.

Emphasizing the Wrong Things

I’ve been learning, sometimes through fire, that all those things, like getting tasks accomplished when I hoped, or even getting everything done at all, puts an overemphasis on the things of this world, including time, productivity, and what I perceive to be ‘good’ behavior from my kids. I was in danger of sometimes falling into the trap of thinking “My kids are well behaved, so I must be doing a good job as a mom.”

It didn’t leave a lot of room for flexibility, or mistakes, or, the most important of all, all of our journeys to, hopefully, sainthood.

Shifting Focus

My ultimate goal as a mother is to help my children grow into the people God created them to be. To become the saint God intends them to be.

So I’ve been working very hard to flip my normal tendencies on their head. How about, instead of seeing a conflict between the kids as some kind of failure, I see it as an opportunity to teach them how to apologize, forgive, and then make amends. To take a moment of sin or selfishness and support them in facing it head on and doing the hard work to overcome it.

Sticking to a schedule or having everything go exactly according to plan is of such small importance compared to their souls.

A New Way to Measure Success

At the end of the day, I’m working toward measuring success in an entirely different way than I have in the past. Instead of asking if everything went according to my plan, I’m trying a new question.

And that question is this: “Did I support my children in their journey toward becoming the people God created them to be?”

Even if the kids fought every ten minutes. Even if the kitchen is a mess. Even if we only got math done and nothing else for homeschool. Even if I’m exhausted. I want to see my kids in heaven. I want them to go off into the world one day loving God and seeking Him all the days of their lives. That is, unequivocally, the most important thing.

There are so many messages bombarding us mothers these days about what “good” motherhood looks like. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of comparing, of pushing to do more, of measuring up to some standard of success someone else has set for us or that we’ve set for ourselves.

Click to tweet:
I want to see my kids in heaven. I want them to go off into the world one day loving God and seeking Him all the days of their lives. #catholicmom

An Example in the Saints

If anyone else struggles with rigidity, or the great tendency to view the immediate moment as the most important thing, please know you aren’t alone. It’s hard, when we’re in this skin and inside of time, to maintain a view of the eternal.

Even Saint Zélie, mother of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, had bad days. In one of her letters, she writes: “Oh well, that’s the day so far, and it’s still only noon. If this continues I will be dead by this evening! You see, at the moment, life seems so heavy for me to bear, and I don’t have the courage because everything looks black to me.”

But she also said this: “For me, our children were a great compensation, so I wanted to have a lot of them in order to raise them for Heaven.” And she did raise her children for heaven.

That is success as a parent. That is the ultimate goal. May we ask God for the grace to see each and every day in light of the eternal, and do the same.

Note: This article originally appeared on Catholic Mom.

Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:

Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, *The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released* in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of *The Secret Garden,* released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.

My Goal for This School Year

August 19, 2021 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 1 Comment

Homeschool Beginnings

I started homeschooling our school-aged children in March, 2020. I know I am not alone in this timing, though we had planned to start homeschooling in the fall, so I had a bit of a jump on researching curriculum and thinking through what this shift might look like for our family.

I also have a background as an elementary school teacher. I have strong opinions on instructional strategies, and the ways that kids learn best, and I trusted that would serve me well in teaching my own students. It certainly helped me to have confidence in the tools we were using and how I supported the structured learning now going on in our home. But what I didn’t expect was how my background as a teacher would add some struggle and stress into what I hoped would be a (generally) peaceful, enriching time with my kids.

Pressures from the Past

Most of my teaching was done in schools where standardized test-taking was emphasized, partly due to school ratings and funding tied into scores. Most of my students were coming into my classroom “behind,” according to those tests. There was a lot of pressure to catch my students up, and have them make about a year and a half’s progress during their time in my classroom. This had many side effects for me as a teacher and impacted the environment my students were expected to learn in. Some of these I counterbalanced well in order to provide my students with a place where they felt safe to explore and make mistakes and remember to love learning. But as a teacher, under the surface, I felt a lot of anxiety and pressure and like I was climbing a steep mountain without a harness or a rope.

Unfortunately, this carried over into my first year of homeschooling. If we were a bit off-pace for the day, or if the toddler just wasn’t having it, I felt pressure to still somehow “get it all done.” Sometimes that stress rubbed off on my kids. I remember reminding myself, many times, that we weren’t behind, and that one of the reasons, among many, that I chose to homeschool was the flexibility in pacing that it offered. I also remember failing to act as though any of those things were true, and many moments where I didn’t serve my kids or their learning as well as I could due to the anxiety that I carried.

2 boys doing schoolwork at kitchen table

Love Them Well

After going year-round since we started, minus extended breaks for vacations or holidays, we took our first big break from school during July and part of August. As we’re gearing up to start again, I’ve taken some time to think about the goals I have for our technical “second year” of the homeschooling life.

Turns out, I could only come up with one. One single goal that I hope will frame my decisions as my children’s mother and teacher, and move us closer to the homeschooling life I hope to have.

And the goal is this: to “Love them well.”

If my kids can begin and end each homeschool day knowing I love them, and if I can remember that teaching them love is the most important thing, then I think all the academic stuff will turn out okay. If school takes a bit longer than usual, or if our 2-year old makes progress a bit tricky, we can navigate that through the lens of love. If a concept is difficult for someone and it means one lesson takes two days, that’s fine. We can navigate that through the lens of love. I don’t expect that I’ll all of a sudden become the perfect homeschooling parent, but I know this will help us smooth some of the bumps we faced getting started, and I’m looking forward to viewing our days through this goal.

New Beginnings

It’s been tough to break some of the pressures and anxieties of being a classroom teacher in a struggling school, and it makes me sad to think that I probably hid that pressure better from my students than I sometimes do from my own children. But love has conquered so many worse things than this, and God, the ultimate source of love, can help me slow down, see what my kids need in the moment, and give them that grace and room to breathe, or for things to come up, or for us to just have an off-day and come out of it unscathed.

I’m going to write this goal down and remind myself of it often, and see what happens after framing our homeschool life like this after a while as I work to let go of the stressors of the past and focus in on the sweet children right before me now.

Whether you homeschool, or if your kids go to school elsewhere, I’d love to know what your goals are for the upcoming school year!

-Lorelei

(Article originally appeared on CatholicMom)