Her lace and ribbon white dress is hanging in the closet next to her veil. It is waiting.
The Eucharist rests in the tabernacle behind the altar of our beautiful church, St. Rahael the Archangel. It is waiting.
I’ve never been a person who does well when things don’t go as planned. I’ve gotten better as I’ve grown older, but I still like to know what to expect. And I like things I can count on. Our family has been spared some of the more devastating effects of the pandemic thus far, but today was one of the harder ones for the family, and for Felicity in particular.
Today was supposed to be Felicity’s First Holy Communion. She is waiting.
What We Miss
I was 30 years old before I received my First Holy Communion. But for almost all of that time, I didn’t know what I was missing. I viewed communion as a symbol, something to help us remember a long ago event that was important to the foundation of the Christian faith.
Felicity understands differently, at a much earlier age than I did. And so she felt the delay of receiving her First Communion in a significant way.
For anyone who does not share our Catholic faith and might be wondering why this such a big deal, here’s a little bit of background on what we believe.
The Eucharist, or Holy Communion is the source and summit of our Catholic Faith. It is the centerpiece, the main event of every Mass. The readings, the songs, the prayers, they all lead up and point toward the Eucharist, where we believe Jesus is truly and fully present.
We take John 6 literally, and we believe Jesus instituted the Eucharist at the Last Supper. And that he conferred authority to his disciples to do the same. And that they conferred their authority to their disciples. And so on and so on until we reach the men serving as Priests today.
We believe Holy Communion is a miracle. And that Christ is truly present in it- body, blood, soul and divinity. It is a Sacrament. It confers immense grace.
So while we are away from Mass, we don’t eat crackers and juice at home. Because we don’t believe Communion is a symbol of an event that happened a long time ago. We believe that when we participate in Mass, we slip outside of time and, in a mysterious way, are joining in with the very first Communion Jesus shared with his disciples, and in Jesus’s one time sacrifice on the cross.
For Those Who Wait
There are so many who have had to wait for things during this time, and we are praying for all those who are feeling the ache of waiting for something dear to their hearts. We pray for those who long for the Sacraments, and those who don’t have access to them as often as we usually do here where we live.
In lieu of First Communion, Felicity and I went to have an ice cream cone together, and just talked for a bit about the day. Then we drove to church and looked at the flowers, and said hello to Jesus from outside. We know He is with us in our hearts, but there is something so very, very precious to a Catholic who not only can receive Jesus spiritually, but also physically and tangibly through the Eucharist as well.
The uncertainty of the timing of when it will be Felicity’s turn weighs on me as her mother as I feel her disappointment today. But Jesus waited 30 years for me to find my way home, and much longer for many others. I’m certain we can bear the burden of waiting for a much shorter amount of time to receive him in this special way.
Sending prayers for all those who are delayed in receiving any of the precious Sacraments, and for all those who are impacted by the virus, in big ways and small.
Though this year has taken a turn that I don’t think many would have expected, our goal this Holy Week was to create some special memories for the kids even though our plans had very much changed.
Our house is loud, and the noises aren’t always happy, but overall we’re hanging in there and doing our best to be patient and loving with each other.
When all else fails, there’s always sneaking chocolate in the pantry.
Here’s a glimpse into how we celebrated Holy Week this year together!
In general news, Zelie turned 8 months this week! She’s got two little chicklet teeth on the bottom and is cute as a button.
And the weather was nice enough during the week to have a picnic!
Holy Thursday
On Thursday, we watched Mass on the computer via Michigan, where Msgr. Michael Steber gave the homily. He is the Priest who married JP and I, and even though I was sad about not being able to be at Mass in person, it was a unique blessing to be able to participate in Spiritual Communion and join in a parish we otherwise wouldn’t have gotten to.
A major thanks to Bishop-Elect McGovern, our parish Priest, who was thoughtful enough to mail us the Magnificat Kids for the whole month of April! It especially helps Felicity to follow along.
Good Friday
On Good Friday, we particpated in the Stations of the Cross via Brother Francis, which is available as a DVD or on Formed.org. It was actually my first time doing Stations of the Cross, and I really don’t know what I was waiting for!
After that, we set up an area to pray and remember Jesus’s sacrifice for us in a quiet area of the house (which is sometimes the basement).
We took turns going down there and spending a few moments in prayer.
Holy Saturday
On Holy Saturday, we embarked upon the Pinterest-y goodness I’ve seen from many friends: creating our own stained glass window using craft paint and tape! There were moments that I was certain it would be a disaster- I did not get the paint/water ratio right and it was pretty drippy! But the kids had fun and in the end it turned out okay.
I also went grocery shopping for the first time wearing a mask. There’s nothing to remind you of the reality of the times like going out in public during a pandemic. People were very friendly, but it just was definitely a reminder that Big Things are going on outside the walls of our home.
August and I also patronized a local business by having an ice cream date in our car with a banana split.
On Easter Eve, we prepared Resurrection Cookies for the first time- there are Bible verses that go along with each ingredient, and, in theory, if you do it right, the cookies will have an air pocket on the inside in the morning, which represents the empty tomb.
Reader- despite my never having made merangue in my life, it actually worked!
Easter Morning
Easter morning was a bustle of kids searching out candy and Easter baskets, and me prepping for our Easter meal. We got dressed up and watched Mass at our home parish, St. Raphael’s. He is Risen, Alleluia!!!
Earlier in the week, Mary had requested a tea party. And I thought, well, we might as well have it for Easter!
The forecast had called for clouds and rain, so it was a very pleasant surprise to be graced by sunshine and beautiful weather for the morning. We took advantage and went on a walk, and left a message for our friends and neighbors, then tie-dyed some shirts.
And then we rented the new Trolls movie because the kids have eaten A LOT of candy. They spent all Lent filling a mason jar with beans representing their good deeds that turned into jelly beans this morning, and they put a HEFTY dent into those good deeds already today.
Not Supermom. Not even a little bit.
Lest anyone go thinking I’m any sort of semblance of a Supermom, I want to share that this week was really hard for me. We are healthy, and that is a huge blessing, and I don’t take that for granted. But, I also miss going to Mass. We were supposed to be in coastal Georgia this weekend, enjoying the beach and spending time with extended family. I know the kids are disappointed by the change in plans, and honestly I probably put too much pressure on myself over the past few days to create positive memories for them. Major holidays like this one often feel like a big sporting event for moms. I’m always prepping things late into the evening, wanting the next day to be magical. This year I felt some extra pressure.
This coming week I fully intend to be more gracious to myself. I’m going to read something floofy, relax a bit more, work on writing, which I love. I don’t regret all the effort this week took, but it was definitely a lot and there were times where I wondered if what I was doing was really making a difference. I couldn’t make up for the lost vacation, or the lack of Mass, but I think the kids will remember this Easter fondly. And that’s really valuable to me.
A Note For Those Waiting on Sacraments
Finally, I (Lorelei) received the Sacrament of Confirmation four years ago on Easter Vigil. My Catholic faith has been such a gift, and I was so thankful to learn that the Coming Home Network had chosen one of my previous posts to share in their April Newsletter this year. For anyone waiting to be received into the Catholic Church, our prayers are with you. The wait will be worth it!
Along those lines, Felicity’s First Communion, which was originally scheduled for later this month, has been postponed. Her dress is hanging in our closet, ready for when it’s able to be rescheduled. Please pray for her and all those waiting to receive Sacraments during this time.
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
Let me just start by saying this: What a year this month has been.
Just a few weeks ago, we were going about life as usual, and now it feels like almost everything has changed. Where I live- in space, in time- my day-to-day life hasn’t really ever seen this level of disruption. I suspect many others could say the same.
Missing Mass
I miss Mass. I miss it so much, it’s one of the few things that’s brought me to tears ever since COVID-19 started rearing its ugly head in our country. Facebook just popped up my memories from four years ago when I was confirmed at the Cathedral of St. Paul, and my stomach just sunk knowing that we won’t be able to attend Holy Week services as usual this year. I miss the Eucharist. Felicity is asking if her First Communion is going to be significantly delayed. We’re watching Mass each Sunday on the computer, and it’s been a blessing to attend Mass virtually with priests and family that we might not get to often in real life, but when the source and summit of our faith is accessible only through a screen, it is achingly clear how much things are not the same.
I know this won’t last forever, and I am going to rejoice so very much when I can receive Jesus again in the Sacrament of the Eucharist. When I can go to confession. My soul longs for these things.
I’m going to spend some time over the next week thinking about how to celebrate Holy Week as a family in our home. I found a good post here on Catholic All Year that I’ll use as a reference point to start with. My goal won’t be to do more than I can handle, but will be to do a few things that will make the week meaningful in this strange situation.
Missing People
I’m an introvert by nature, and there are a lot of people in my house, which means sometimes mommy goes and hides for a couple of hours, and that mommy also is sneaking a lot of chocolate in the pantry, haha, but mostly we’ve been enjoying time at home together.
Even my introvert self misses the ability to enjoy face-to-face interaction with family and friends. Video has been a huge blessing, but just knowing we can’t visit with family in person, or share a glass of wine with our friends just doesn’t feel great.
Anxiety
A lot of what’s going on right now is anxiety-producing! It was really unnerving for me to go to the grocery store about a week ago and to see so many shelves empty. The produce and fresh meat, nearly gone. There was a lot of expensive cheese left, and also a lot of ice cream, but so many of the normal, every day things I go into the store and buy each week without even hardly giving it a thought were nowhere to be found. That’s going to be something that will stick with me long after this is all over. This week, the supply at the store was much better, but it’s still strange. People out in masks and gloves. At home, we can kind of live in our little family bubble for days on end. But when I go to the store, it’s very apparent that things are not business as usual for the world right outside our home.
Our family is relatively young and low-risk, but it’s still been scary to hear stories of people our age who have had severe reactions. I don’t want anyone in our family to have to fight for a hospital bed. I want to protect my husband, myself and my children. But it’s hard to know how to protect yourself from an enemy you can’t really see! It’s hard to know how much disinfecting is enough.
All of that has given me some anxiety the past few weeks. I’m thankful for my faith, and for my kids and their snuggles, and the nightly routines JP and I keep up just to hang out and enjoy some normalcy in all the strangeness.
The Good
It’s been helpful to pay attention to the good amidst all that is not right now. Here are some things that are helping us through.
Homeschooling. We’ve been considering homeschooling the kids in the future, and I don’t know, it isn’t exactly a ‘trial run’ because of all the stress and isolation, but it’s been a chance for us to see what educating at home would look like, at least to some degree, and it will aid us for sure in our discerning process. And, honestly, I’m no homeschooling supermom, but I’ve been having a mostly lovely time digging into some fun learning and projects with the kids.
Connection. We’ve been using this time to connect with family and friends over video. We’ve had a few virtual dance parties, and we have an extended family Rosary on the calendar for tomorrow evening, which I’m looking forward to. I feel like we’re investing a bit more into creative, meaningful modes of connection, which I hope will continue when this is all over.
Here are 2 videos our family has made, hoping to bring a smile to our friends’ faces while we are apart:
Dignity
I feel like for once our world is shouting about the dignity of the human person, with a special focus on the aged and vulnerable among us. We are being called to sacrifice our personal freedoms for the good of the other, for the health of the other, for the life of the other. And, as someone who believes in the dignity of the human person, from the smallest to the largest, the youngest to the oldest, the strongest to the most vulnerable, it’s been a refreshing side to all the stress. Yes. Sacrificing our personal comfort, our desires, what we want for the good of the other is of the utmost importance in this time. May we translate this care moving forward into other areas of life, to protect the vulnerable around us, no matter the personal cost.
Let us Pray
Our family is praying special intentions right now for those who are critically ill, who have died from the virus, those who are alone, lonely, and frightened. For the healthcare workers on the front lines, and all those who are keeping things afloat while we shelter at home. The grocery store workers, postal workers, truck drivers, first responders. For the scientists working on medications and vaccines. And so much more.
If you or anyone you know is feeling despair, please reach out for help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
This won’t last forever. You matter. So very, very much.
Hang in there friends. We’ll talk to you soon.
Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
This week, we had the second anniversary of the day we lost my aunt to suicide. It was something I had been dreading… the lead up to that date is always tough, and then figuring out how to navigate the day itself and the days surrounding it hasn’t been easy.
We have a few anniversaries… the date she died, the next day when we found out she died…and a few more along the way as well.
In the weeks after we lost her, I became a detective in the worst sort of way. We were able to piece together a timeline of what happened, and a lot of “this is when she made that decision” “this was her last communication” types of things.
And because we have that timeline, it’s been very tempting for me to ‘watch the clock’ on the anniversary dates, to remember what she was going through at the exact moments she was going through them. But also, the decision to watch the clock last year made me feel extra sad.
So this year, I called my mom to check in and we talked about our plans for the evening and how it was weird to decide what we were going to do and how we would spend our time. I shared that it was hard for me to not watch the clock and she said the same.
We both decided that this year we wanted to try to have a normal evening, and to intentionally not watch the clock and instead choose to engage in some self-care. For me, that meant watching a show with JP and eating chips and salsa and microwave s’mores.
And I honestly think that was the best decision I could have made.
One, it made the night much more tolerable.
The other big thing is that two years ago, when my aunt died, a very deep darkness won. It is horrible and awful and it will always be horrible and awful that darkness won that day.
But we don’t have to keep letting the darkness win each year on that night.
I pray for Jeannine every day. I intend to keep praying for her as long as I’m alive. I grieve for her. Sometimes I grieve deeply. That is a part of the process too, and I respect that and validate that when the waves of grief crash heavy on the shores.
I also think it’s important for me to make the choice each and every day to live. For me, this year on the sad anniversaries that surround February 4th for our family, I chose to engage with my children. To visit with friends. To eat snacks and snuggle with my husband. That felt more powerful to me than forcing myself to relive the darkness by watching the clock and letting some of that darkness in.
It’s a tough balance, managing a loss like this one, but this year I’m thankful for the conversation my mom and I shared, and that we both were able to, as much as we could, not let the darkness claim another victory by stealing from the precious time we have.
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
Felicity and I sat down for a few minutes after her First Reconciliation today (hooray!), and she shared a bit about what the experience was like for her!
You can listen to the interview via SoundCloud by clicking here, or the transcript from the interview is below. Enjoy!
Mom: I, as your mother, did not have first confession until I was a grown up, so I have no idea what it’s like to go to first confession as a kid. And I thought maybe if you shared your thoughts a little bit, you might help another kid who is getting ready for their First Confession. So how were you feeling before you went?
Felicity: I was really nervous. And when I went in, I was scared and I didn’t know where to sit, so I chose to sit face to face. It really wasn’t that scary.
Mom: It wasn’t? What made you decide that you wanted to sit face to face?
Felicity: Because, well this was my first confession, and I just, I didn’t want to be scared.
Mom: And how did it feel when you were doing it? What were your thoughts in confession?
Felicity: It was a little scary when I was in there, because I didn’t know if she sheet that I had had everything on it, but really it did, and it went well.
Mom: And how did you feel after you were done?
Felicity: After, I felt really happy and excited.
Mom: So what would you say to any kid who’s getting ready for their First Confession?
Felicity: I’d say, if you’re scared, that’s normal. And, it’s really not scary. And it’s really great.
Mom: Why is it so great?
Felicity: It’s basically a way of getting rid of your sins, throwing them in the garbage, and letting the garbage truck take them away.
Mom: What does mom call confession? Do you remember what I’ve been calling it? The Saint Maker?
(Laughter)
Alright, anything else you want to say?
Felicity: Nope, that’s it.
Mom: Okay. Alright, thanks so much Felicity thanks for joining us on our first mini-interview on This Catholic Family!
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
We had the absolute honor of hosting our priest, Father Mike, at our home for dinner and to bless our house this weekend. We meant to do it much sooner, but with pregnancy and nausea and newborn life, this was the soonest we could make it happen, and we’re so glad we did!
The kids helped set the table for our visitor. We busted out the fancy placemats and cloth napkins, and Felicity even made place cards for everyone at the table! It was very sweet.
We enjoyed some cheesy pasta, one of our favorite easy family dinners. We also had salad and garlic bread. We made chocolate chip cookies from my favorite recipe earlier that day. Now, the cookie recipe is a small batch, so if I’m being super honest, I usually quadruple it. However, this time I accidentally put 8x the amount of flour in so (oops!) we had to make a lot more than even I intended haha. I froze some in little balls in a bag so we can pop them out and have cookies for weeks to come!
Father brought us some holy water, a beautiful crucifix from the Holy Land, and a book on St. Francis de Sales.
We did some prayers together at the front of the house, and the kids were so cute following Fr. Mike around as he blessed the rooms and doorways in our home.
I think it was really interesting for them to see, and I’m so happy that we were able to do this together as a family. The kids even insisted we show Father Mike our recent family video, The Super Kids. Which was adorable. 🙂
Father was even up for a selfie- we got most of everyone in!
Next weekend, Felicity will have her first reconciliation, so if you think of it, please pray for her as she prepares to receive that Sacrament for the first time! I made a little “Guide to First Communion” that you can access by clicking here in case it’s helpful at all for you or any of your little ones. So thankful for all the means of grace through the Sacraments, as always!
Talk soon!
Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
I’ve had a lot of family and friends checking in on me since sweet Zelie was born. It’s been so nice, and it’s something I try my best to do when my friends and family have a baby as well.
This is because of my history with postpartum depression and anxiety, which I first identified after August (our second) was born, and when things were pretty severe. I’ve chronicled a bit of my postpartum experiences here.
So now, with our 4th baby clocking in at 5.5 months old, I think I can say with confidence that this has been my best posptartum ever.
*cheers*
Hooray!!! And, indeed, I think this is something worth celebrating. But the reason it has been my best postpartum isn’t because I haven’t dealt with any issues, but it’s because I feel like I knew what supports I would need and prioritized putting things into place ahead of time so I had the best chance possible of being a happy momma with my new baby.
Disclaimer
I very much believe that mental health is really important for moms to consider and to talk about when preparing for and living in the postpartum days.
However, I would never presume that what has worked for me will work for all moms, or even another mom. What I do hope is to share one example of one mother’s journey towards taking care of her mental health during her postpartum period. And in this way, to provide an encouraging example of someone who lived through postpartum depression and anxiety, who came out the other side, and who was able to successfully manage postpartum with future children.
Photo Credit: vJoy Photography
My Strategy
This pregnancy was definitely my hardest both physically and mentally. I had nausea for the entire 9 months, to the point that I took medication for it each time I ate a meal. Feeling so much discomfort inside my own body, and for so long, definitely started to take its toll. I was feeling pretty sad, and found myself just going away to break down and cry sometimes. So, during my third trimester, I communicated with my midwife team, and we started me on a low dose of an antidepressant (sertraline). And…it helped me get through the rest of the pregnancy in a healthier mental state.
Medication
Once Zelie was born, we planned on me increasing my dose of sertraline from 25 mgs to 50 mgs. This is due to my strong history of postpartum anxiety and the fact that I decided I’d just rather be happy and able to enjoy my time with my baby instead of waiting to spiral into anxiety and only then getting help. I’m quite sure my postpartum struggles have a large chemical/hormonal component, and I can confidently say that with sertraline’s help, I enjoyed the newborn weeks with Zelie. It is a lovely, exhausting blur, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed or unable to function. I usually stay on an antidepressant postpartum for about 6 months, and then taper off.
Communication
I have had some anxiety this time around even with our good preparations. The biggest spike was when I returned to my day job half time, and transitioned to the change in pace and leaving Zelie with a babysitter. During those times I worked really hard to communicate with JP what I was feeling, and also to keep in mind that this spike was likely due to the transition, and would not last forever. And we did fall into a new rhythm after a few weeks.
Postpartum Doula
This required some advance budgeting on our part, but we again utilized a postpartum doula to help with the first weeks after JP went back to work. Ashleigh at Guiding Mothers, who we also had help us after Mary was born, joined us again. And, like the Mary Poppins she is, she helped care for Zelie so I could do some self-care. She also cooked bulk freezer meals for us, helped with laundry and tidying up, joined me on errands, and provided much needed emotional support. It was so nice to know I had that break and that help coming as we transitioned to having 4 children.
Exercise
Doing a 20 minute work-out about every other day helps boost my mood, so making that a priority and having JP or the other kids help with the baby while I do it also is something very important that I prioritize to take care of myself.
Breaks
Whether it’s a trip to Starbucks to work on writing, reading a book, taking a bath, etc. When I need a break, I let my family know and I take a break. I don’t feel guilty about it, because a mom who has time to recharge her batteries is a better mom for her kids, at least in my case. Sometimes it’s funny how even a short period of time of knowing I’m going to be uninterrupted and do something I specifically enjoy, can have a long lasting impact.
Co-Sleeping
I know this is an area that divides many a parent and expert alike. However, I’ve found that I am in a better mood when I sleep better, and sleeping better, for me, means sleeping next to my child so I can easily nurse her in the night and so we both drift back off to sleep. For Zelie’s first 5 months, we’ve slept on a firm mattress on the floor in our bedroom, without any heavy blankets. I sleep in what’s known as the “C” position with her, which both protects her and makes nursing easy. I’m cozy, she’s cozy, and we both wake up less and to a lesser extent than we did when I slept separately with Felicity. I’ve co-slept to some degree with my youngest three children. Others I know have used co-sleepers next to the bed, or the pack-n-play with a bassinet attachment. We’ve used some of these too as we transition the babies to sleeping alone over time, but co-sleeping for the first few months has helped me.
Photo Credit: vJoy Photography
Overall
Overall, I’m very thankful for the relatively few bumps we’ve had along this postpartum journey. I’m thankful for the friends and family who have been checking in, and for our family’s commitment to being proactive so I could really be present as we welcomed Zelie into our family.
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
A lot has happened since my last post. For one, the grieving process of losing my aunt the way we did took a lot out of me. Still does, sometimes. I struggled to think of ways I could write encouraging or even true posts on our family blog, and the words just weren’t coming like they usually did, at least in this way. So I gave myself some grace and some much needed time.
But, interestingly enough, words did come in other, different ways. I had been pursuing publication with my first manuscript, but the summer after we lost Jeannine I came up with a new story. A story written for children but that also, in the strange way that stories do these things, helped me walk the path of my own grief, too.
That story is going to be published by Penguin Random House’s Philomel Imprint on September 1 of this year (2020). It’s called The Circus of Stolen Dreams, and I can’t wait to share it with the world.
That was one of the big things that has happened since I wrote here last. You can learn more about my journey as an author by visiting my author website, www.loreleisavaryn.com
The other big thing is after 9 months of constant nausea, I gave birth to Zelie Rose, our 4th child. She has also been keeping us busy!
For those wondering where we got her name, St. Zelie Martin is one of my favorite Catholic Saints. She is St. Therese of Lisieux’s mom. I admire her greatly, and am so excited to have had the opportunity to name a child after her.
For anyone keeping track, yes, all of our children are named after Saints (some with multiple meanings to our family). Even the two kids we had before my conversion to Catholicism got, by some divine intervention, Saint names. So now we have Felicity, August, Mary, Zelie. And of course my husband John Paul. The running joke in our house is that there isn’t a Saint Lorelei yet, so I’ll just have to become the first one. (No pressure! Ha!)
I hope to be back here more often and writing more about our faith and family life. I’ve missed sharing and writing, and am happy to be ready to return!
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
Lent is always an appropriate time to reflect on suffering, and over the past 12 months, This Catholic Family has had some rough times.
I’ve shared a few times about the loss of my aunt to suicide in February 2018. The grief from that, and the slow path toward healing, has been a part of the fog that made it hard to write at times on this website. I poured a lot of my energy over the past year into writing a fiction manuscript about a young girl who experiences a loss, and finds her way to healing. Using words in that way for that time helped a lot.
The other fog we experienced has been for a much happier purpose.
We found out in December that we are expecting Baby Savaryn Number 4! New life is the happiest of news, but for our family, we also knew it would be difficult for a while. I, to varying extents during my pregnancies, suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum. This is extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. A condition that used to be fatal for some mothers, and is slowly gaining more publicity in our current times for its devastating impact on an expectant mother’s health while she suffers.
This time, despite proactively taking nausea medication and planning for my care, I ended up incredibly sick. As it amped up, I wasn’t able to be in the kitchen, or prepare food, or eat much. It felt like I was on a boat with severe seasickness 95% of the time I was awake. Movement and smell made it worse. Relief only came when I slept. Then, I hit a point where I couldn’t keep anything down and hadn’t had something to eat or drink in over 18 hours. I had to go to the hospital, where I ended up being admitted for three days until they could rehydrate my body and until I could eat and drink on my own without getting sick with the help of some additional medication.
I was this sick with my son, who will turn five soon, and I had much better medical care this time than I did with him, but it was still one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through inside my own body. And when it was at its worst, it was very hard for me to see the light beyond all the darkness in the struggle to survive moment by slow moment.
Friends came through and brought us food, and there were so many praying, and my husband was good about reminding me that this would all be worth it.
It was still so difficult to lose myself, even for a little while.
The Hope and the Grace
But in suffering, there is grace.
I was fed by the Eucharist during my suffering, and I weakly attempted to unite my own suffering with that of Christ. In many ways, I do not feel like I suffered ‘well.’ But I also knew Jesus would carry me through, and that if I was willing to walk this path for Him, that he would not forsake me.
On the first Sunday I was home from the hospital, I was still confined to my bed, and the family had to go to mass without me. I hear the door open as they returned home, and in moments, my two oldest children entered my room with their hands folded in front of them in quite reverence.
JP soon followed, and produced that which had fed my soul so many times during this sickness.
A priest at our parish had helped JP bring Jesus in the Eucharist to me right where I was, and I was able to receive communion, right there, in my bed. When I couldn’t get to mass, Jesus came to me.
And there is such hope in new life too. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap our heads around the idea of redemptive suffering. That something good can come out of something hard.
It has helped more than a little to know there is such a clear and redemptive reason I went through all I did. I am bringing a new life into our family and into the world. At 18 weeks now, and finally feeling much better, I can feel our little one kick. I can speak to this baby, as it now can hear my voice. I can reflect on the phrase ‘this is my body, given for you,’ in a new and profound way. I can understand just a little bit better, in some small, small way, how Jesus gave his body for us, and the love that must have been there for him to go through his passion.
Let the Sun Shine In
The fog is clearing away from the difficult year we have had, and the very, very, dark and cold and grey winter. The days are getting longer. The sun is shining a bit more. And our family is soon to embark on a vacation to the beach, a much needed bit of togetherness and warmth and light.
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:https://afsp.org/
Grieving Suicide
Grieving my 47-year-old aunt Jeannine’s suicide has been different than any other grief I have experienced in my time on this earth. It is heavy, it is dark, it is slow, it is hard.
Me and Neen before.
She left so many things behind. Family, friends, loved ones. We all must live now with a story that ended in a nightmare. We hurt for our grief, but we also hurt for the pain Jeannine felt in those final minutes. We want the chance to go back in time, to take some of that pain off her shoulders. To write a different ending.
Sometimes suicide grief is weird. I’ve had so many thoughts and emotions. Anger, compassion, pleading, confusion, an insatiable hunger for answers. I’ve been mad at the inanimate objects that were in her apartment because they witnessed her die and did nothing. I’ve had to think long and hard about which of the items that were in that room I wanted to keep. A million weird things have passed through my head as I frame our life ‘after.’
She left so many things behind. Her gemstones, her clothes, her records, her movies, her furniture, her art, her jewelry, her dishes, cookie cutters, board games, pictures, books.
And journals.
We have an abundance of journals. Part of my grieving process has been, in small pieces, to read her heart on those pages. At first, I wanted answers. Sometimes, I was mad. Now I am trying to understand.
You see, to many who knew her, Jeannine was a bright spot of sunlight on a cloudy day. She paid attention to the little things. She saw people, and helped make their day better. She cooked delicious food, and baked, and made her own amazing chocolates. She loved being silly. She planned elaborate trips for me and my friends on multiple occasions to visit her in NYC. We laughed a lot. We had deep conversations.
I, like many others, had no idea my aunt was chronically depressed.
But there it is, on the pages of her journals. She wondered what was wrong with her, why she was always so tired. She thought cruel things about herself and her self-worth. More than once, she considered ending her life.
And no one knew she was depressed. Not even herself.
I haven’t read a page yet where she connected her struggles to depression. She wanted to snap herself out of it, she felt like she was watching her life go by, she was really, really sad a lot of the time and thought it was because something was intrinsically wrong with her. But, except for to a very few people on extreme occasions, she put on a smile and lit up the room.
My Why
I’ve journaled in the past, on and off, but particularly when I’ve been going through a struggle. When I look back on my journals during those difficult times, I am struck by how similar her journals sound to mine. Like, eerily similar.
And it’s hard not to wonder what the difference was, that I came out of it okay and Neen lost her life. Was it that I identified it as depression? That I had someone close to me who saw the problem? But I isolated myself and put a happy face on plenty, too. Was it that my depression was more situational/hormonal, and hadn’t been following me for decades? That I had years of relief between relatively short depressive seasons and for her it was relentless?
In the end, for my aunt, we know it was the perfect storm of trauma on a terrible, awful night. All the wrong pieces came together in the absolute worst possible way, and she was left without hope.
In light of this, or, perhaps to try and make some sense of it, I’m going to briefly describe my own experiences with depression in the hopes to shed some light on the variety of faces depression can take. No matter how many pages of journal I read, I will never have all the answers about why my aunt didn’t survive her depression. But I can work to understand my own experiences, and be a voice that breaks the silence.
Depression Three Times
In my adult life, I have had three seasons of depression. As mentioned above, mine have been either circumstantial or hormonal/body chemistry related. Here is a summary of what those seasons looked like form me.
1- Between the ages of 20 and 21, I worked at a small company in a small office with three men. The owner of the company was also a man, and the only woman I interacted with there was his wife. The three men who worked in the office asked me inappropriate questions about intimate things, and joked about inappropriate sexual things while I was working, or eating lunch with them, or whenever.
I scheduled a meeting with the boss and his wife to share that the work environment had gotten uncomfortable for me. They listened intently and I left that meeting believing I now had some advocates on my side.
The next time I went to work, the men apologized. But only days later, I got a call from the wife of the boss telling me I was being let go.
The quality of my work hadn’t changed, and the company was pretty busy, which was why they had hired me as extra help. The only thing that had changed was I spoke up about their inappropriate sexual comments at work.
After that, I suffered low moods, some hopelessness, and feelings of being helpless. Within a couple of months, my life had moved onto other things, and there was much in my life that was going well, and the depression subsided on its own.
2- After giving birth to my children, I had mild to severe postpartum depression, and it was a bit different with each child. It varied from low mood and pervasive sadness after Felicity was born, to very, very scary thoughts of self-harm after August was born. I felt like I was watching my life through a pane of glass and couldn’t get in. I didn’t think I was good for my children. I thought the world would be better without me.
After we diagnosed the postpartum depression, I took Zoloft for approximately 6 months in combination with therapy, and reading books about postpartum. I followed all the directions for how to take care of myself and I began noticing an improvement after I had been on the medication for 2-4 weeks. Things started feeling better, I was able to smile and enjoy my children again, and I knew I would be okay. I wrote in detail about my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety here.
3- Three years ago, a woman broke into my home while I was alone with our then two children. I was on the phone with 911 for just under 6 minutes before they arrived, hiding in an upstairs bedroom as I watched this person peep around my backyard and ultimately gain entry. When they police came, she was in my kitchen. To this day I don’t know what her intentions were, but I do know that I was home alone with my young kids, without any means of defending myself while someone who was drunk, or high, or both was in my house.
After that happened, I exhibited many symptoms of PTSD. Functioning at work became difficult. Seeing an unfamiliar face in my neighborhood caused a panic. Unexpected loud noises did the same. I slept better once we installed a home security system.
I ended up having to leave a job that was highly-stressful even when I was functioning at 100%. It was hard to leave. I felt like I was letting a lot of people down, and that didn’t help. My thoughts, for a time, grew dark and scary. We were going to buy a gun for home protection. I told my husband not to. I was worried about myself with a weapon like that in my home.
As weeks and months passed from the traumatic event, my depressive symptoms again subsided. Besides that very unique traumatic incident that I couldn’t have controlled, our life was in a very good place. I was able to weather the storm of acute stress probably in part because of that. But, having experienced scary depression prior with the postpartum issues, it was a very unwelcome return to that place for even a relatively short time.
The Other Side
Writing a lot of that feels very weird now, because I am in such a different mental space now, and in general. I’m not someone who struggles with chronic depression, but I have struggled at different times, and in different ways each of those times.
But I am so thankful I survived, because it wasn’t a guarantee. And I now understand what depression is, so even when something happens that is triggering, I can label what is happening and I know where to reach out for help if I need it.
And I wonder how many people could be saved by having access to tools to help them identify what is happening?
It’s been hard not to play the what-if game with Jeannine.
What if she had understood that her depression wasn’t something innately wrong with her as a person?
What if she had been able to put a name to all the things she was feeling and was able to get help?
What if she had taken an anti-depressant?
What if people just simply talked about it more so she would have had a chance to recognize the overlap between others’ experiences and her own?
Walking Wounded
For those of us who have suffered a suicide loss, we walk this earth wounded every day.
I did keep some of her personal belongings, and they now sit in my home. I am thankful to be able to remember her with those items, but I often think how they don’t belong here. They belong with her, in her apartment, with her there to look at them each day.
I’ve also been appointed the personal representative of her estate. There are a lot of things to do with that. Legal things, tax things, things that remind me daily how I wish things had turned out different. I even play out different scenarios in my head while driving or sitting after the house has gone quiet late at night. I imagine what would have happened if I had seen her deactivate her Facebook page the minute she did it and called to check in. If she had answered her phone. If there could have been a different ending to this story.
Jeannine walked wounded every day, too. It’s there, plain as day on the pages of her journals. And so many of us here also walk wounded because of depression.
Breaking the Silence
It’s so important to break the silence. Breaking the silence is a way to start a conversation, to end stigma, to open up avenues of support. And maybe, a way to save a life.
-Lorelei
Purchase Lorelei’s Books Here:
Lorelei is the author of creepy, magical, hopeful stories for children. Her debut, The Circus of Stolen Dreams, released in 2020. Her second book, a magical retelling of The Secret Garden, released in 2022. Both are available for purchase wherever books are sold.
This Catholic Family: Catholic Womanhood, Family, and Conversion 