Learning to say “I Forgive You”

March 8, 2021March 9, 2021 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 3 Comments

Struggling to Say It

Growing up, the words “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” didn’t always come together. I think my parents, particularly when dealing with me and my brother, did their best to teach us how to get along and make things right when someone was offended. But one of the things that strikes me the most when looking back, is that repentance and forgiveness wasn’t necessarily modeled to us, at least not regularly and consistently for me to remember that as a pattern of family life.

I think that’s partly why, as an adult, it was really hard for me to say I was sorry, and even harder for me to say “I forgive you” after someone had apologized to me. This was especially true when it came dating and early marriage. I remember times, sitting in the car with my husband driving, when he had apologized for something and I just sat there, staying silent. I literally felt the heat of anger inside of me as I made him wait a long time for those words. Even when he pointed out my reluctance and that it ws hurtful to him, my mouth did not want to open. I still don’t fully understand why it was so hard for me to offer that to someone I loved, other than some selfishness in me felt it would be more just to make him suffer.

Confession and Forgiveness

Another piece of my journey in this area that’s been helpful has been the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Five years ago, as I neared the culmination of my conversion to the Catholic faith, I began to understand and deeply appreciate the value of examining my conscience-saying I was sorry, and literally, audibly, hearing forgiveness offered to me by the Priest, who is really standing in Jesus’s place. Trusting you’re forgiven is one thing. Hearing that mercy spoken to you out loud is certainly another. Confession has changed me, and continues to do so. I know now very deeply how it feels to know you are forgiven by hearing it said. I know how much it has the power to heal.

My husband had grown up in a home when repentance and forgiveness came easy, or readily, at least. And he couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me to offer forgiveness to him. I’ve had to work really, really hard over the years to say “I’m sorry” as soon as I understand I’ve caused hurt to someone, and to say “I forgive you” honestly and quickly after an apology is offered to me. We are now teaching this to our kids and modeling it intentionally with our own actions in and out of the home.

Because here’s the thing: Our entire faith is based on an ocean of unmerited grace. It doesn’t really matter what someone has done to me or how I’ve been offended. If I believe in Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross and his power over death, and his doing all of that to offer reconciling grace to me and everyone else who has ever existed or will ever exist, that significantly changes how much of a right I have to hold a grudge.

In some cases, offering forgiveness and also letting go or setting boundaries might be the appropriate choice. But I also think there is something to be said for the healing power of forgiveness not only for the person being forgiven but also for the person who forgives. Forgiveness can help heal the offender, but it also heals the offended. And if the Creator of the Universe has chosen to not only forgive us, but has suffered greatly to do it, then how freely should I open my arms to others and forgive them?

If we truly understand the former, then the latter isn’t even really a question.

Lent is a beautiful time of year in the Church for so many reasons. The continued call to conversion through almsgiving, fasting, and penance helps prepare our hearts for Easter in such a special way. If you haven’t been in a while, or even if you have, perhaps it’s time to go to Confession. To find a few quiet moments this Lent to examine your heart and say you’re sorry and turn yourself back to love.

And then, of course, to receive an absolute ocean of unmerited grace. A grace that has the power to fill us, and flood out into the whole entire world as we forgive others, too.

-Lorelei

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Men, We Are Being Led Astray

December 10, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 5 Comments

We All Want Happiness

Men, many of us are being led astray. We all want happiness. But not everyone seems to know where to find it. What’s more, I suspect many of us who think we have it are blind to the possibility that what we have pales in comparison to the real thing.

Those Guys

With the attention sexual misconduct is getting in the media, it is easy to point the finger at ‘those guys’ out there who have done some obviously terrible things. But I want to call attention to all of us, what we might be doing in pursuit of happiness that is equally off the mark. That’s what ‘those guys’ were doing anyway, isn’t it? Pursuing happiness in the way that they knew how, the way that they desired.

So the question becomes, how do each of us pursue happiness?

And how does this manifest itself to those around us?

For example, a group of regular guys get together for an evening away from their daily grind. Beers, conversation, some sort of entertainment – watching the game, having a cookout, whatever. These guys are, on the surface, pretty happy. Spirits are high, small talk is jovial, and the joking abounds. But listen closely to the topics of the jokes, and the spirit of the conversations and there is something not quite right. The jokes are, by in large, sexual in nature.

Now how do we gauge whether that’s ‘ok’?

By what standard am I referring to when I say something is not quite right?

Made To Love

We are made to love. And to love is to will the good of another (Aquinas). When we, as guys, are bringing sexuality into our jovial small talk and jest, I ask all of us to consider whether we are “willing the good of another” in what we’re saying. If our wives were to hear themselves being the topic of sexual jokes at guys’ night, how do we think they would feel: more loved or less loved? And when we ask this question to ourselves, how does the answer we give make us feel? Are we indifferent? Are we offended that I even pose the question? After all, what does it matter how we talk about our wives – or women in general – when they are not around? Right?

Wrong.

Reflection of our Hearts

How we talk about women, especially our wives, is a reflection of the state of our heart. And if we think we are finding happiness in cracking sexual jokes all basically implying that life is nothing more than finding pleasure when one wants it, then we have a serious misunderstanding of where happiness lies.

Our creator wants us to be happy. He made us for himself. And since he is infinte joy, infinite beauty, infinite pleasure, nothing short of him will even come close to the happiness we will experience when we are in total union with God. So to begin our journey to ultimate happiness – total union with God – here on earth, Jesus tells us to live like God now. Real, lasting happiness is found when we live like God lives: indifferent self-giving.

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Matthew 5:44-45

The Challenge

I challenge each one of us to put Jesus’ teaching (live like God lives) to the test. Try treating your wife as more important than yourself in every single aspect of your marriage. Will her good as more than your own. Do this and see what happens. Lorelei and I always had a decent marriage, but then I took the challenge; I tested out how much happiness really does lie in willing the good of the other. I put to the test the claim that I was made to love.

The results were breathtaking.

When I started to will Lorelei’s good more than my own in every area of our marriage our marriage went from decent to phenomenal. The more I willed her good, the more I found she willed mine. The more I gave to her, the more she gave to me. It was like resonant feedback from a microphone in front of a speaker, only instead of a harsh noise, it was a beautiful sound, the type you wish would never end. Synergy. 1 + 1 = 3. That kind of result.

Conclusion

Men, it is my firm belief that we will be most happy when we live like our infinitely loving creator – in indifferent self-gift to all those around us. Put this to the test and tell someone you know how it goes. If you experience what I did, I predict our small talk will take on a different tone.

-JP

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Helping Each Other To Heaven (Catholic Stand)

June 13, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 1 Comment

Hello friends!

Lorelei’s latest article is up on Catholic Stand today!

Helping Each Other To Heaven: A Convert’s Perspective on Catholic Marriage

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Celebrating Our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary!

May 29, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Ten years ago, JP and I entered into the Sacrament of Marriage.

Dip n’ Kiss

At our wedding.

And off we go!

We celebrated our anniversary on May 26, 2017. It was a beautiful day, and we are so thankful for each other, and for God growing us in love this past decade. We started the week off by watching our wedding video, and looking at pictures from our relationship, and some of the notes we have given to each other over the years. Turns out back in the day we celebrated “month-versaries” of dating, and got each other a card for each month we had been together. We talk in those cards of all the “memories” we had made in the past one month, or two months, and it’s pretty dorky and funny, but also kind of sweet. Ten years in we now believe we actually do have some great memories together… so feeling pretty legit.

But, without further ado, here are some highlights from the actual anniversary day.

We drove up to Green Bay, which is where much of our early relationship took place, with plans to take the kids to several of our “Love Spots” in the area. We thought it would be good for them to see us celebrate our relationship together for the first part of the day, and it was really cool to have them along, visiting places we never knew we would be bringing our three kids a decade later.

We went to Zesty’s where we had part of our first date, and got ice cream.

One Serious

One Silly

Then the kids sat on the bench where we sat and had one of our first conversations. I remember I had my mom scheduled to call me so I could have an excuse to “bail” in case things weren’t going well. I forget what the code word was, but I clearly didn’t need to use it. I liked the fella’.

20170526_145534 — First Date Bench by the Fox River

We also took the kids to Scray Hill, where JP and I went on a few dates to overlook the lights of the city. It’s also where he proposed at night on a vacant lot, which sounds sketchy, but actually wasn’t. Turns out, the proposal location is still a vacant lot! (Side note: JP does not enjoy selfies, but he humored me with a joyful spirit throughout this part of the day.)

JP went to St. Norbert College in De Pere, and De Pere is where I (Lorelei) grew up. So St. Norbert played a big role in our relationship as well. We took a walk there, also on our first date, and JP cheesily picked me a flower from a bush. Much of our early relationship, looking back, came with a side of cheese. Maybe it does still, cause we went back to that bush and took a picture.

20170526_134544 — JP picked us all a little flower. Yeah… stil cheesy 🙂

About this point in time JP and Lissie start acting a bit fishy. I knew we were planning to visit the church where we got married (which was the Catholic church Old St. Joes on St. Norber’ts campus. How we ended up with a Catholic wedding looooong before I was Catholic is a whole ‘nother story. But was also a grace I didn’t even know I was receiving at the time.)

The time was nigh and JP suggested we head over to the church. Once inside, Lissie looked at me with a smile and said “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.” I take her, and she admitted Daddy told her to do that to keep me busy for a minute.

We finshed up, and I couldn’t find JP. Turned out he was inside the church, and he asked the kids if they wanted to see what it was like when Mommy and Daddy got married. Then he handed me my actual wedding veil, and a piano player started to play Pachelbel’s Canon in D. (At this point I’m very impressed with my husband.)

He took his spot down the aisle, and the kids ran and took their seats. I walked, once again, to the place where we married each other, and JP, I kid you not, ten years later, had tears in his eyes.

Things looked a littled different from my end than they did ten years ago. First of all, there were two humans who we created sitting by JP. And, my husband was holding our infant daughter as I walked to meet him. It was all surreal and beautiful and very cool.

I figured he would have some sort of love note for me or something, and I turned to smile at the kids. But when I looked back, a Priest had popped out from behind a wall, and he said we were there to affirm our wedding vows.

So we stood, in the empty Church with a Priest and our Children, and affirmed that which we promised to each other ten years ago that day. For richer and poorer, in sickness in health, until death do us part. It was a most wonderful surprise.

20170526_141603 (1) — After our vow renewal.

After that, one set of Grandparents babysat the littles for the evening, and we put the camera away while we went to enjoy a fine bottle of wine and the Chef’s Table at Chives in Green Bay. Highly recommend it, especially for special occasions. We were joined by a good pair of friends, and ended the night with some awkward karaoke.

It was wonderful to be able to spend a day just celebrating all that has happened in this first decade of our marriage, and to realize how far we’ve grown, and how much our love has developed and matured from those early days.

The Sacrament of Marriage has been a huge gift to us. One which I think we are just beginning to really appreciate, and to understand for what it is meant to be. We are both looking forward to what the next decades bring.

-Lorelei

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The Wedding Weekend And Marrying Into A Huge Catholic Family

May 10, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

This past weekend, we travelled to the great state of Minnesota for JP’s youngest sister’s wedding. There was a lot to look forward to, and the weekend didn’t disappoint.

bride-big-catholic-family — The Beaming Bride

First, the Sacrament of Marriage. Four of the five of us were able to stand up in the wedding. And, if I may, Lissie and Auggie made a pretty stinking cute pair as flower girl and ring bearer.

flower-girl-ring-bearer-big-catholic-family

And the wedding itself… Marriage is such a beautiful Sacrament. Where two people make the decision to lay down their life for the other, each and every day until death do they part. The homily for Kristy and Joe’s wedding was about the sacraficial nature of marriage, and how it mirrors the sacraficial nature of Christ’s relationship with the Church. Marriage is serious business, and it is so beautiful to be a part of weddings where the Sacrament is appropriately understood.

It is also always a joy to talk to Fr. Nick Nelson, JP’s cousin, who is also a Priest and officiated the ceremony of this and several other family weddings.

The weather was Heaven weather. Like, exactly the temperature you would imagine Heaven would have, if there are temperatures there. Literally perfect. And the reception was held on site at the family winery, Sovereign Estate Wine. Check them out if you are in the Twin Cities area.

There were horse drawn carriage rides, a bonfire, a live band, and a send-off at the end of the evening marked by lanterns floating into the night sky. A beautiful celebration.

The 26th of this month also marks JP and my ten year anniversary as a married couple. We see a lot of ourselves in Kristy and Joe (hope that’s a good thing guys). 🙂

Interestingly, way back then, looong before I desired to become Catholic, we had a Catholic wedding. It was liturgy only, but I didn’t really have a home church at that point, and much of our relationship took place in and around JP’s college, St. Norbert in De Pere, Wisconsin. So we got married there.

Marrying into JP’s huge, super Catholic family was kind of overwhelming at first. I have one brother, and five cousins total.

JP has, siblings and stepsiblings combined, eight brothers and sisters (many of whom are now married, and starting to have children of their own!). And it would take me a while to count all his cousins. But, suffice it to say when the whole family gets together, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins, it’s more than a full house.

And when I met everyone, I remember being weirded out by how Catholic they all were, with their weird Catholic prayers, and their seeming lack of understanding of how strange their Catholic-ness appeared to me. Now I totally laugh about it, but going from pretty low exposure to Catholicism, to getting engaged to a Savaryn… well, culture shock might be putting it lightly. I’m sure, looking back, that the way I practiced my faith was just as foreign to some of them as Catholicism was to me.

Over time, the authenticity of the faith of the family helped me to appreciate it more, and as I got to know the people behind the strong opinions on Truth and the Hail Mary’s, it all became less bizzare. And, eventually, resulted in my openness to give the Catholic Church a second look.

And my new brother-in-law, who happens to be my Confirmation buddy, has taken on this huge Catholic Family like a champ.

And the only downside to the enormity of this family I have had the pleasure to join, is we would need several days probably to catch up with everyone appropriately. There’s just so many of us!

married-big-catholic-family — Let the Celebration Continue!

Over the course of this particular weekend, the Savaryn family covered 5 of the 7 Sacraments. Amongst us all we had Marriage, Confession, Anointing of the Sick for JP’s dear Oma, The Eucharist and yes, a Baptism!

baptism-sacrament-big-catholic-family — Welcome to The Church, Baby Elliott!

All in all, it was an honor to stand up for Kristy and Joe’s wedding. And as JP and I look forward to celebrating our 10 year anniversary on the 26th of this month, it was a wonderful reminder of the blessing of the Sacrament of Marriage, as well as the blessing of marrying into a Huge, Super Catholic Family.

-Lorelei

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Laying Down My Rights

April 7, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Just when ya think you’re in pretty good shape… something comes along and reveals the sin in your own life very clearly.

JP made a mistake this week. A very honest mistake. It ended up costing us $100. Which isn’t the most money in the world. But, it was enough to provoke a reaction in me that I am not proud of.

I got so mad about that $100. I thought some Not So Friendly Thoughts. I wasn’t very nice.

And the whole time I was having the reaction I had, I knew that the root of it all had to be some sin of my own.

I literally was having a conversation with myself in my head (not like a crazy person conversation, but a totally sane inner dialogue) that I knew I was reacting sinfully, and I needed to stop, and then the other part of me was saying I had a right to be angry and offended and to let him know how I felt.

There were a couple of realities at play here.

I know, of course, that my husband is allowed to make mistakes! Neither of our mistakes are going to consistently cost us $100, but this time it did. And that doesn’t change the fact that I have no right to insist on his perfection, because I could be the one making a mistake tomorrow that has a cost to him.

Also, I knew if I had made the same mistake he had, and he had reacted the same way I did (which, by the way, he never would have), I would have been extremely hurt. He wouldn’t have made me feel small. I knew that, and I still felt the desire to assume that I had a right to make my offended-ness known.

The Bigger Picture

Okay, so… here’s the thing.

Here is why I knew so deep down that my reaction was unacceptable, and sinful on my part.

Straight up Truth: My husband is Imago Dei. He is created in the Image of God. And that, in and of itself means he is to be shown dignity, at all times. And it means that he has immense value by virtue of his being God’s Image Bearer.

And I knew that, and I felt myself wrestling inside with knowing that reality and still wanting to claim some right of my own to be offended, and let him know it.

Here’s the other thing.

I have no right to respond in sin, because of my Christian faith.

I believe that Jesus, One who had never made a mistake, had never sinned, who had every. single. right. to claim offense, willingly, and with love, took every. single. sin. of every. single. person. from the entire history and future of the entire world upon Himself.

And he died on that cross, partly because of the sin I committed against my husband over this matter. My sin over this is one of the reasons He hung there. My sin is like one of the thorns pressing down upon His head, and piercing His skull, and causing Him pain.

Jesus never claimed his rights. He who had the most right in the world to be offended, took all of everything upon himself. He never for one moment has given us anything less than the utmost dignity. He never for one moment has given us anything less than perfect love.

Colossians 3 states:

¹²So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and ^[k]patience; ¹³bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. ¹⁴Beyond all these things put on love, which is ^[l]the perfect bond of unity.

I know I was anything but compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, or patient over this matter. And I was slow to forgive. But the real kicker, is the part that says “Just as the Lord forgave you.”

And, at that, I have to humbly surrender. At that, I realize I have no rights. I have no claim to offense. And I need to extend the same grace extended to me, to others. Especially to my husband when he makes a mistake.

How Deep The Father’s Love

I am so thankful for the Lord’s forgiveness in my own life, but it is also so convicting right now. I am acutely aware how I tried to claim something I have no right to claim. And it came at the cost of giving my Imago Dei husband the dignity that is his.

I know I’ll be heading to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation this coming weekend, for this, and other things. And I’ll be looking forward to audibly hearing that unmerited forgiveness from Jesus. I’m also looking forward to my penance. I suspect it might be something I can do to show my husband love and dignity. Which will be just the medicine I need.

One of my favorite hymns of all times is How Deep The Father’s Love For Us.

It’s just such a beautiful reminder of the most beautiful Truth. I can’t even grasp how much Jesus took upon himself on the cross. But I know it means my salvation.

And I know I can, once again, receive the forgiveness that is there for me through my faith in Him. And I can be thankful that He promises to shape me more into His likeness, as long as I continue to allow Him to work in my soul.

I am thankful that I know I don’t have to live in guilt. That I can pick up and move on and work towards better reactions in the future … but it just smarts a bit realizing you’re wrong. Humble pie doesn’t always taste super great.

And, finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention JP. Because I can also be thankful for a gracious husband, who witnessed my struggle, and accepted the apology of his Much Too Quick To Anger Wife, and for the example he sets of patience and grace within our own marriage.

Lorelei

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A Valentines Note From The Savaryns

February 14, 2017November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ Leave a comment

Hello Readers,

Happy Valentines Day!

Now that we are approaching 10 years of marriage, we are clearly marriage experts. Haha.

Actually, we know very acutely that we are not. However, we do know a thing or two more than we did when we started dating nearly a dozen years ago.

And tonight, we reflected on the most romantic thing we have done recently for each other.

JP said the most romantic thing I have done recently for him was when I recently gave him a back massage. He knows physical affection is not one of my natural love languages, and therefore when I offer a back massage, he knows I am doing it for no other reason than I remembered it is relaxing for him, and because I love him.

The most romantic thing JP has done for me recently has been to explicitly encourage me to pursue a dream of mine. Something that requires me to set time aside. He asks me every few days if I have been able to make any progress, and he encourages me to structure my time to make it a priority. Knowing that he loves me enough to urge me forward with this goal means the world.

I think one of the things we’ve discovered in our time together is that real, abiding love is often found in the small gestures like the ones above, not exclusively in the grand ones. A big mega date can be awesome and fun and all kinds of other good things. But, unlike what some dating reality shows might lead us to believe, real love, and real relationships aren’t built in the big moments. They are built in the small.

And, unexpectedly, many times the small actions can be harder to pull off than the grand ones. Because you have to remember, in the day in day out ordinary moments of life to choose to love your spouse in a way that speaks to them. You have to choose to remember to do something to build up your spouse, especially when you get nothing out of it for yourself, simply because you love them. In the busyness of life, the remembering can be hard. But when we are intentional with each other, when I remember to give JP a big hug when he gets home so he can feel loved, and when JP remembers to keep the kitchen counter clean on the weekends so I can relax, when we love each other in the small ways, we both move through our days, whatever challenges may come, already built up by the love we have for each other. And that love can help sustain us.

Starting this Valentines Day, we plan to add one small thing to our daily routine. Something that we can do with and for each other, in the presence of our children, so that we may also set an intentional example for them of our marital love for each other in a small yet significant way. Our goal is to add this short, simple prayer to our family prayers at the end of the evenings. To hold hands with each other in the presence of our children and pray:

Lord, help us to remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us.

To work that love into practical things so that nothing can divide us.

We ask for words both kind and loving and hearts always ready to ask for forgiveness as well as to forgive.

Dear Lord, we put our marriage into Your hands.

Amen.

If you are married, with or without kids, we challenge you to take the time to pray this prayer with your spouse on a daily basis along with us this year. Simply by taking a moment to ask God to be present in our love for each other, this one small prayer might just end up being that which helps us greatly along the path of learning to donate our selves for the benefit of our husband/wife, and thus to love them better.

-JP and Lorelei

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A Story of Healing

August 13, 2016November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 2 Comments

JP’s last post, found here if you haven’t read it, gave some insight into Jp’s journey during a period of time where our marriage has been transformed. I (Lorelei) would now like to share my simultaneous journey. It’s one of the most personal, and, for us, the most powerful in our marriage so far.

When we found out we were pregnant with the little fella’ we would come to know as August, Jp and I were so excited. I was so sure it would be easier the second time around… somehow I’d feel better, be less nauseous, be able to eat more. With my daughter, I had lost 7 lbs in the first trimester from being sick.

How we announced our pregnancy with Auggie. I’m smiling, but if you look carefully, you can see I’m already pretty thin. I was losing weight at this point, but this is a few days before I started dropping 1-2 lbs a week for several weeks in a row. I don’t have many pictures from my skinniest days.

Little did we know, that my pregnancy with Auggie would be far more challenging than I ever imagined. Long story short, I developed hyperemesis gravidarum. Which basically meant I threw up all the time. I could barely keep anything down, even a sip of a drink or a single bite. When I finally was coming out of it, I knew I was getting better because I was able to drink an Ensure shake and keep it down. It took me 4 hours.

And here’s why this was difficult on our marriage. I went from being a normal, competent wife and mother, to a shrinking bit of humanity who could barely move from the couch or even shower myself well. It was a time when I was completely out of control of what was happening to my body, and my emotions were very depressive as a result. I felt useless.

JP had to cook the food, do all the grocery shopping, and take care of Felicity when he was home because I was barely making it through the day. He was also commuting to Chicago each day and working a challenging post-doc. He wasn’t prepared for me to completely tank.

As a result, at a time I needed my husband to support and love me more than ever before, JP wasn’t able to consistently provide it. I think he tried, as best as he was able to. But there were moments and times that were seared in my mind and heart where I felt ever so alone. There were the nights he was making dinner, and I knew he was frustrated and resentful of the additional responsibility, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t move. I had to focus so hard on each little bite, that making a dinner felt like Mt. Everest.

There was the time, when I, skinnier than I should ever have been- about 12 lbs below my normal healthy weight, my eyes sunken and dark, when JP came around the corner after tucking our daughter into bed and he looked at me with such sadness and distance and asked me “Where did you go?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question. I was just trying to survive. It caused deep wounds between us. I knew that, because of how life goes, this probably wouldn’t be the only significant trial we would face, and I didn’t know how I could endure those trials without the support of my husband.

Once I passed the 20 week mark, things started to get better, as it often does with those who have HG and I started gaining weight again. I was able to cook eventually and resume my regular responsibilities. But the space created by feeling so alone for so many weeks in a time of my great need still remained.

Fast forward a bit to last fall. JP and I were each simultaneously and yet independently of each other on a path moving us closer to the Catholic Church. During the winter, JP discovered Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. And, even though we were not in any sort of significant trial at the time, my husband started changing.

He started giving more, without being asked. He started offering, with true sincerity to help out in ways he hadn’t before. He started looking at marriage as a way to be giving and loving, and it started healing us. I read Theology of the Body (for beginners), and I understood, and I started changing as a wife, too.

This isn’t a post about TOB, but, in short, it is all about the way God designed marriage to be a reflection of the union of Christ and the Church. And our model is Jesus, who gave himself completely for us. So, as we grow in our faith, we grow in our ability to model our own lives after Christ Himself. And we learn to realize that happiness comes in giving, in being “gift” to others, and that this is the fullest sense in which we can live out our married calling, as well as our calling to the others we encounter. But, I’m sure we’ll write more on that later.

The main point of this is that we had another significant test ahead. Through our journey to the Church, our hearts became more open to more life in our family, allowing for the possibility that we would have more children.

There was a lot of fear associated with pregnancy for me. I had an 80% chance that the hyperemesis would reoccur. I had felt so alone last time.

And I remember, either just before getting pregnant or just after, as JP and I were getting ready to fall asleep, I said to him “I might need to be gift to this baby for a while, and if I do, I’m going to need you to be gift to me.” And I hoped that in so many ways this time would be better, but didn’t know.

Thankfully, I would not have qualified for the hyperemesis diagnosis this time around. For the first time, I did not lose weight. I was able to try a new medication, which I think helped. But I was still extremely nauseated, and fought being sick all day, every day, for weeks on end.

But, I also think that the change in JP made a huge difference in how I was able to cope with the intense sickness I did have.

Photo on 7-6-16 at 4.30 PM.jpg — On a particularly bad day. So tired from weeks of being nauseated with little relief.

He scooped up taking care of the kids when he was home. He willingly went to the grocery store, and made the food, and even still, when I’m “off” in the evenings even at 20 weeks, he brings me dinner, and anything else I need so I don’t need to expose myself to my “gag” triggers, which can sometimes be as simple as opening the fridge or smelling something in the pantry. He has let me sleep when I need to sleep, because I’m less nauseated when I am well rested. He massages my feet every night without being asked. And as hard as it is for me to be less helpful than my “usual” self during this time, I haven’t felt resented at all. All his actions have been encompassed in an envelope of honest love and desire to help me get through the struggle.

And I know that this change in JP is contributed only to one thing. He is growing more in love with his Savior, and is starting to look more like Him too. I still remember when he told me that he was praying for me at Mass, that God would show me how much He loves me. And God told him, “That’s your job.” I can’t even tell you how, despite being horrible and difficult in some ways, this pregnancy has provided our marriage with incredible healing. I have not been alone. I have struggled, but I have been lifted up by my husband, who is modeling spiritual leadership for me and our children. In growing this baby, I have not had to bear the challenges alone.

And that is one of the amazing gifts of this faith we hold so dear. Now, at 20 weeks, and still emerging day by day from the challenges of pregnancy sickness, our marriage has grown in love and kindness and thoughtfulness in a way that strengthens my own faith in our ability to be a model of Sacramental Marriage in the world, no matter what we may face in the road ahead.

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Like Father Like Son

August 9, 2016November 15, 2020 ~ Lorelei Savaryn ~ 2 Comments

Like father like son. We’ve all heard this before, right. You look at a son and he tends to emulate his father. Some of this comes from genetics – it’s in his nature to emulate dad. Other parts of this come from his natural desire to be like his daddy, to be cool, strong, confident, rough, bold, etc. Not unlike everyone else, I’ve noticed this aspect about sons for a long time (and not to leave out daughters either!).

But it was not until recently that I (JP) realized that this is the very message Jesus preached during his 3-year ministry on earth. Jesus says “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…”. Got it, bold claim Jesus. But ok, I’ll try. And that is how it went for me for many years. But wait, there is more to his statement. There is a second part. There is an answer to the implicit question of “why” should I do this. Jesus says “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.” It’s all about being children of God. Think about that! Divine children.

What does a divine child look like? Like Father, like son. If the Father loves unconditionally, then the son (and daughter of course) should do the same. …. What is love? …. Dad shows us. He came to earth and assumed a human body and nature, and showed us what love is. Love is unconditional, indifferent giving of yourself as a gift to others. This is the answer to all life’s greatest challenges. When you are so completely conformed to our Father in heaven that you can give of yourself freely in any and every situation, you are completely free, there is nothing that can hold you down. Isn’t that what Jesus was?

So free that he freely offered himself over to a people that not only disagreed with him, not only mocked him, not only spit in his face, slapped his face, and continually tried to trick him, no, this people also went so far as to scourge him, drive thorns in his skull, and then nail him to a cross to die. But Jesus was so full of love – nay, he IS LOVE – that no amount of force from the world could prevent him from giving of himself. And he gave his creation exactly what they needed: redemption from sin.

One day I was praying at mass for God to show Lorelei how much he loves her.

He told me “that is your job”.

Lorelei is now pregnant with our third child. For the first two pregnancies, I did not know Jesus very well.

I knew who he was, but I didn’t know him. I didn’t love him. Now everything is different. I can’t not try my very best to obey him if I am going to profess faith that he really is God. If he really is God, then I must do as he says, right? It’s just simple logic.

Thus, for this pregnancy I have been looking to Jesus in every aspect of our lives. This looks like a lot of service. This looks like a lot of self-less giving to Lorelei and my kids. This looks like a lot of fatigue and near burnout with my other two jobs. But you know what else it looks like? It looks like freedom. It looks like great joy to be able to follow Jesus and obey him, and watch what happens as he sanctifies me and gives me not only more strength to continue to serve, but he gives me joy in the serving. When I reflect on the challenges of the pregnancy, I find great purpose in continually committing to Jesus as I say to him, “Jesus, I love you, and I will serve you by serving my family.

-John Paul